This is a true story. It all started when my girlfriend Gabby started listening to a lot of Carly Rae Jepsen songs. At first I didn't mind, but eventually it became inescapable; driving, working out, even making love, she'd be blasting Carly Rae Jepsen. And Carly doesn't even have that many albums, so it got old rather quick. Being a wiseass I started making fun of Gabby a little bit, playfully accusing her of having a girl crush (which she didn't deny). Then I started fucking around on Twitter, making sure to copy Gabby as I sent the dumbest tweets I could think of. Eventually, I admit, some of these got a bit mean (probably over the line saying I'd rather have my non-existent child "get SIDS than be a Carly Rae Jepsen fan" or how I'd think about her "furry Canadian beaver" to last longer in bed).
Suffice to say Gabby was over the moon when she found out you know who was coming to our town on her concert tour, and almost killed me with a bearhug when I managed to score backstage passes. I have to admit the concert was pretty good, even though I'd heard all the songs enough times so I'd memorized the lyrics and was able to sing along. Then we went backstage; Carly signed my wife's program, then looked over at me to sign mine, but instead of taking the proffered program and pen she stared at me. Her eyes narrowed and she yelled
"@SuperDeadlyHamAttack!"
I went white as a sheet. "What?" I mumbled. "What? I'm not-"
"That's you!" she was pointing at me and came up to yell in my face. "I recognize your profile picture, mother fucker!" With a snap of her fingers five huge security guards surrounded us. "You got a lot of nerve showing your face here. Take them to my dressing room!" Just like that we were frog-marched deep into the bowels of the arena. We sat in her dressing room for a few tense minutes before Carly stormed into the room, looking at her phone. She started reading some of my tweets out loud - "I hope @CarlyRaeJepsen chokes to death on her own poutine farts!!" she screamed.
"It's just a joke," I mumbled.
"I'm not laughing," she hissed. "Are you?" I thought it better not to say anything and she turned to Gabby. "Are you?" Gabby shook her head and Carly looked back at her phone. "@CarlyRaeJepsen is that ur face or did a rabid ferret barf in your mom sweater?"
I giggled involuntarily and she glared at me under her heavy bangs. "One more," she seethed, scrolling with quick, furious swipes. "'@CarlyRaeJepsen hope u can get ur free healthcare to reverse ur butt to face surgery'. What does that even mean?!"
"Well, if your butt was your face - "
"That's it!" she screamed. "Bring them both." I found myself being manhandled by security. They hustled us out of the arena and into a waiting car. We were driven to a local gym, deserted at this time of night. I was dragged into a empty dressing room, where one of Carly's bodyguards - a six foot Jamaican woman with the broadest shoulders I've ever seen - told me to have a seat. I obligingly sat down on one of the wooden benches.
"Listen here," she started in her thick accent. "Right now one of Carly's people is buying some boxing stuff. She's gonna beat you up." She must have noticed the look of shock on my face as she pressed on: "I'm gonna be the ref in a boxing match. I'm telling you right now, you don't stand a chance. Just stay down after she knocks you down, okay? I don't want to be here all night."
"Okay," I mumbled. She was actually pretty good looking - her short, curly light brown hair came down just to her jaw, and to my surprise she had very kind eyes, or maybe she was just feeling bad for the ass-kicking she thought I was about to get. "What's your real name? I need to know what to call you."
"Tomas."
"Alesha." We shook hands - she was, unsurprisingly, really strong. There was a knock at the door and Alesha went to get it, returning with two duffel bags. She threw one to me and ordered me to put on the gear inside. I unzipped it to find white silk boxing shorts, red boxing gloves, and black boots. I looked up at Alesha, but she was already stripping off her suit - her bag had a referee outfit (white striped shirt and black pants). She caught me looking and rolled her eyes: "Put your shit on, loverboy."
Well, what could I do? I stripped naked, then put on the shorts and boots. Alesha had finished dressing and came over to lace up the gloves, telling me she'd had a lot of practice helping Carly into her own boxing gloves - not a good sign, I'm sure.
We walked to the ring - the whole place was totally empty except for Gabby in the front row, and it was kind of eerie. Alesha held the ropes open for me and I slid into the ring, wandering to the center. A spotlight snapped on and held over the ramp as Carly came out from the back, wearing a grey sports bra, hot pink gloves, white silk trunks, and white boots. She strutted down to the ring, blowing kisses to a swooning Gabby. Alesha held the ropes open and Carly slid in, staring daggers at me as her bodyguard waved us both to the center.
"Okay," Alesha sighed. "You both know why you're here. Tomas, I work for Carly, so I'm going to let her do whatever she wants." Well, fuck. I held my gloves out for Carly to touch with her own, but she just shot me a glare and walked back to a corner. Her corner? I don't know all this boxing stuff. Following her lead I went to the opposite corner; Alesha told us to come out fighting and I put my gloves up, my heart already pounding in my chest as I walked to the center of the ring and faced off with Carly Rae Jepsen.
I couldn't believe this was happening! I had no idea how to box, and frankly this whole thing felt surreal. I had my hands up in a guard like I'd seen on TV, but I guess I wasn't doing it right as Carly came in and punched me hard in the stomach. I wasn't prepared for how much this hurt and gagged, my hands dropping and leaving my face open for a left hook that slammed into my jaw. I took a stunned, stumbling sideways step, barely managing to stay standing. Carly put her left glove on my shoulder and spun me back to face her, then punched me straight in the face with her right glove.
I went down on my back, dazed. I stared up at a furious Carly, who barked at Alesha: "Don't count him out, I haven't even broken a sweat yet. Stand him up." Alesha grabbed me and pulled me up to my feet, shoving me at my opponent. I clinched with Carly, hoping to get a minute to catch my breath, but she just kneed me in the balls. I sank to my knees in front of her, and she punched me in the back of the head, knocking me back down to the mat on my chest.
I rolled over and slowly got up, hurting pretty badly but determined to at least get a few good hits on my opponent. We closed up and I threw a clumsy punch that Carly contemptuously slapped away. She went low in return, smacking her left glove into my stomach, but I saw this coming and braced, managing to take the hit without getting the wind knocked out of me. In return I took aim and socked her square in the jaw with my right glove. Her eyes went wide in shock and her mouth dropped open. "You fucking hit me!" she screamed. She turned to her bodyguard: "He hit me!"
"Well, we are in a boxing match, right?" I managed. She turned back to me and threw a absolutely massive right haymaker. I took a quick step back and it sailed past me. Carly put so much force into the blow that when it missed she had to take a few stumbling steps to avoid falling down. Alesha told her boss to calm down and Carly put her gloves up, glaring at me over the top of them. "Come on, dickshit," she hissed, waving me on. She seemed to have gotten herself under control a little as she closed with me throwing hard jabs. I didn't really know how to block these and retreated, trying to cover up. It was useless; Carly opened my guard up with her jabs, then started hitting me with slower, more powerful punches. After four or five of these landed she bent me over with a hard right that impacted on the waistband of my trunks. As I held my stomach and gagged Carly attacked, grabbing me with her gloves and hip-throwing me over her head. I hit the mat with a grunt, rolling over onto my back.
"Are we doing wrestling or boxing?" I managed to groan, giving Alesha my most pitiful look.
"He's right, boss. You're just supposed to hit him..." Carly waved her off, then stood over me, gloves on her hips, waiting for me to get up. With no other choice I rolled over and slowly got to my feet. We faced off again and I still had no idea what to do; Carly had apparently noticed that I had no boxing skills and dispensed with the probing jabs, just coming in throwing full-force hits. She started working my body, launching hooks around my guard into my ribs, then slamming hard straight punches into my chest and stomach through holes in my sloppy defense. I clinched her like mad; she tried to push me away, but I had the desperate strength of a doomed man. I heard her emit a feminine grunt as I squeezed her with my arms.
"Alesha, get him off me!" she screamed. The ref broke us up, first just grabbing me and pulling, then pushing herself between us and prying my arms away from Carly Rae Jepsen. She shoved me a few steps back, then got out of the way and waved us together again.
Knowing I had no defense skills, I went on the offensive, determined to strike first. As we closed I surprised Carly with a fast right-handed punch that landed square in her tummy. Her eyes went wide and she gagged, her hands frozen uselessly up by her face. I threw a left punch into the same spot, then a short right uppercut. Carly went down to one knee, coughing up a gob of spit onto the mat as Alesha came over. She started counting, although she only made it to a slow 3 before a glaring Carly was back on her feet. Alesha gave her boss an eight count, and I saw Carly take a big breath as she put her gloves up to continue the fight.
I figured my surprise had worked once, and I decided to go for it again - besides, once my famous opponent started landing those hits, it was too late. This time Carly was ready for me and took my lunging right punch on her gloves, then hit me back with a left jab to my jaw. She rocked me with a combo of hooks, turning my head left and then right as she slammed each hit into my face. She finished by coming in until we were almost touching, putting her left glove on my back and slamming her right glove into my gut. I went down hard on my chest. I rolled over with a groan, looking up at a furious Carly glaring down at me.
"Take my bra off, I want to humiliate this piece of shit some more," she barked at the ref. I watched from the mat as Alesha came up behind her employer and unhooked the sports bra. Carly sighed happily as her tits tumbled free. She saw me looking and cocked a sneer: "How many times did you jerk off thinking about these, huh? Well, you're about to get a close look. Don't move, pussy." With that she sat down on my chest, leaning forward until she was smothering me with her bare boobs. I kicked my legs helplessly, too weak to push my opponent off me. Carly used her gloves to keep her breasts in position, and I felt my head getting light and my vision getting dark as she worked the smother. Just before I passed out she pulled up, climbing off me and telling her bodyguard to help me up. Alesha roughly pulled me to my feet and shoved me towards Carly, who kicked me right in the balls.
Without even a cup for protection, the top of her foot crushed my nuts against my pelvic bone. I let out a scream and fell to the mat, covering my crotch with my gloves. "Ref!" I squeaked. "Help! You can't kick in boxing!" Alesha just shook her head at me and asked Carly if there was any point in counting. Carly, gloves on hips, said no and told me to get up.
In any regular boxing match I would have been counted out, but after a few minutes of agony I managed to get back to my feet, tenderly, only for Carly to come in and slam a hard punch into my stomach. I clinched with her again, wrapping my arms around her in the hopes that would stop her from hitting me at least long enough for me to catch my breath. Carly was wise to me this time, and I was still weak from the pain, and she easily pushed me away. She pulled my shorts down to the mat, glaring at my hard cock (hey, I'm only human). I managed to step out of my shorts and get my gloves up as Carly started going after my dick. I guess this is one thing she hadn't been able to practice as her punches didn't really hurt that much; instead of hitting my cock straight-on or mashing it against my body, she mostly slapped it around with her gloves, which wasn't especially pleasant but didn't hurt nearly as much as some more effective hits would have (if she'd punched me in the balls I don't think I could have stood after 2 or 3 punches). I took the opportunity to catch my breath while Carly wasted time and energy smacking my cock around. She started grunting with annoyance, apparently expecting me to crumble under her assault; instead I took one last deep breath and punched her straight in the face.
Carly took a shocked step back and I followed, pistoning my gloves into her stomach. She covered her midsection and I went high, turning her head with a left hook. A followup right hook hit her so hard she was knocked down to her hands and knees, panting and looking shocked. Alesha backed me off and started counting (for some reason); this time it took Carly up to 6 before she could stand. She got a standing 8 count and I hoped I could press my advantage a bit, but Carly looked like she had managed to get control of herself and put her gloves up into a strong guard, her eyes giving me that glare over the tops of her boxing gloves and under her thick bangs.
We closed and I made sure I attacked first again, but she simply weaved away from my leading right and came in with a left to my stomach. I groaned and dropped my hands, a rookie mistake that left Carly open to go headhunting, starting with a quick left hook followed by a slower, stronger right. She hit me so hard I took a stumbling half-step sideways, turning partially away from my opponent. Carly kicked my right leg out and I went down on my back, smacking my head into the mat. Carly sat down on my stomach, drawing her right arm back for a knockout punch. I tried to push her off, but at her snarled command Alesha grabbed my arms, pulling my upper body off the mat and getting me in a full nelson.
Carly went to town on my defenseless body, slamming hit after hit into my stomach. I held out as long as I could, but she was relentless; after fifteen gut punches my resistance broke down and I started crying as a sneering, taunting Carly pounded me like a heavy bag. She moved her hits up to my chest, beating my ribs with her gloves, then up to my head. She made sure not to knock me out, using her fists to smack my head left and right instead of putting all of her power into straight punches.
After she'd beaten the fight out of me a sweaty, panting Carly nodded to her bodyguard, who released me. I fell down to the mat as Carly sat up just enough for Alesha to pull her boss' trunks down. Carly slid up my body until her crotch was hovering in front of my face. I smelled her intoxicating musk as she lowered her hips until her glistening labia were less than an inch from my mouth.
"Eat my pussy!" she ordered. I leaned up a tiny bit and ran my tongue over her entrance. Carly moaned and I started eating her out, feeling myself getting hard again as I pleasured my victorious opponent. She put one glove on the back of my head, forcing me deeper between her thighs. "How's that taste?" she groaned. I don't think she expected an answer and I kept at it, putting my gloves on her hips and bracing myself as I got as deep as I could. I could hear Carly's raspy panting turning into ragged moans as I licked her pussy. She pushed harder on the back of my head and I could tell she was about to cum. I hoped if I did a good enough job she'd be satisfied and took her over the edge, her hips reflexively bucking into me as the climax blew through her body.
Carly came down slowly, a long, low, languid moan of satisfaction oozing out of her. She slowly climbed off my face, now coated with her juices. I looked up at her with puppy dog eyes hoping she was done, but she took a deep breath and told me to get on all fours.
I slowly did as she asked, scared to find out what was coming next. Carly got on my left side and started spanking me with her boxing glove. The pain was bad enough, but she also mixed in a lot of verbal humiliation, making me promise not to send any more mean tweets, then making me say I was a loser, a pathetic little pussy, and a limp-dick chump in addition to endless apologies.
When she finally left off the spanking she told me not to move, then commanded Alesha to start milking me. I'd gone a little soft with the pain from the spanking, but Alesha used two fingers and a thumb to quickly get me hard, then started jerking me off quickly. A laughing Carly told her to slow down, relishing this extra humiliation as she circled me, taunting me more as her bodyguard stroked my cock. Alesha's large, strong, soft hand slid up and down my rod at a steady pace; I found myself moaning like a bitch despite myself as she worked my shaft. She cupped her other hand under the tip of my dick, then started telling me I might as well cum and get it over with. I managed to hold on for a little longer, but my doom was inevitable; Alesha expertly caught almost all of my spunk as I started cumming, helplessly pumping my load into her cupped hand.
As soon as I was spent Alesha released my dick and Carly flipped me onto my back. My opponent laughed as her bodyguard spread my own cum all over my beaten face. Alesha wiped her hand on my chest, then at Carly's command undid her boss' boots. Carly stepped out of these and walked over to me, grinding my jizz into my face with her sweaty foot, laughing like a maniac the whole time and toe-fucking my mouth for good measure. Then she had Alesha get a picture as she posed in victory over me, then addressed my girlfriend:
"You sure you want to go home with this loser?" Gabby nodded, prompting a shrug from Carly. "Well, your loss. When he wakes up, tell him I better see nothing but compliments on Twitter. And he can subscribe to my Instagram, too..."
I thought about suing, but who would believe me? Instead, I've been training; her tour is coming through town again next year...
